Anger and Conflict
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Change others by example, not preaching
We waste time trying to change peers through preaching and argument. The best way to change someone close to us is not words but example.
“Human freedom involves our capacity to pause between the stimulus and response and, in that pause, to choose the one response toward which we wish to throw our weight.”
“The greatest remedy for anger is delay.”
“If you can, show them the better way. If you cannot, remember that this is why you have the gift of kindness. The Gods too are kind to such people, and in their benevolence even help them achieve some ends - health, wealth, fame. You can do it too. Or tell me - who is stopping you?”
“Begin therefore from little things. Is a little oil spilt? A little wine stolen? Say to yourself, “This is the price paid for equanimity, for tranquillity, and nothing is to be had for nothing.”
“Cleverness is a gift, kindness is a choice.”
“As you move forward along the path of reason, people will stand in your way. They will never be able to keep you from doing what’s sound, so don’t let them knock out your goodwill for them. Keep a steady watch on both fronts, not only for well-based judgments and actions, but also for gentleness with those who would obstruct our path or create other difficulties. For getting angry is also a weakness, just as much as abandoning the task or surrendering under panic.”
“If someone asks you how to write your name, would you bark out each letter? And if they get angry, would you then return the anger? Wouldn’t you rather gently spell out each letter for them? So then, remember in life that your duties are the sum of individual acts. Pay attention to each of these as you do your duty ... just methodically complete your task.”
“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own ...”
“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own; not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine.”
“‘Anger is useful,’ says our adversary, ‘because it makes men more ready to fight.’ According to that mode of reasoning, then, drunkenness also is a good thing, for it makes men insolent and daring, and many use their weapons better when the worse for liquor. ... No man becomes braver through anger, except one who without anger would not have been brave at all: anger does not therefore come to assist courage, but to take its place.”
“Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself.”
“Reason gives each side time to plead; moreover, she herself demands adjournment, that she may have sufficient scope for the discovery of the truth; whereas anger is in a hurry: reason wishes to give a just decision; anger wishes its decision to be thought just. ... The sword of justice is ill-placed in the hands of an angry man.”
“Every habit and capability is confirmed and grows in its corresponding actions, walking by walking, and running by running ... therefore, if you want to do something make a habit of it, if you don’t want to do that, don’t, but make a habit of something else instead. The same principle is at work in our state of mind. When you get angry, you’ve not only experienced that evil, but you’ve also reinforced a bad habit, adding fuel to the fire.”
“I will begin to speak, when I have that to say which had not better be unsaid.”
“I don't add to my troubles.”
“It is possible to curb your arrogance, to overcome pleasure and pain, to rise above your ambition, and to not be angry with stupid and ungrateful people; yes, even to care for them.”
“Seek not for events to happen as you wish but wish events to happen as they do and your life will go smoothly.”
“For, unless you perfectly understand the principle from which anyone acts, how should you know if he acts ill?”
“If anyone can refute me; show me I’m making a mistake or looking at things from the wrong perspective; I’ll gladly change. It’s the truth I’m after, and the truth never harmed anyone.”